Today is my first day upon my arrival in Jakarta, after i took a short journey to a beautiful country, a warm and hospitable place where I was planning to have soul and heart searching.
It was an interesting and meaningful trip. I met a dear friend, and made new Indonesian and local friends. They are very kind and giving me a warm gesture of friendship. I hope that i can reciprocate to all of them some day soon. They took me to see new places, made me feel comfortable, laugh and learn new things about the culture and norms. Now, i missed them all...
The searching.
At first, i was so confident that i can conquer it all ! I do expected that i will experiences the ups and down during the trip and i do believed that i can handle them. But, after going thru hours alone thinking and searching the answers, i can not find one answer that can contemplate my heart. I just can't. I did pray, meditate and even do extreme action, by analyzing and confronting, just simply searching an answer to convince myself.
A dear friend giving me an advise saying that i need to think it through before making decision and before trusting your heart to someone.
Yes that's true but it is too late. I did let it fall, my heart, and it is broken into pieces now and I just realized it today that no one can mend it.
Probably, Allah knows that I've been searching something that will be saving my soul and heart. For a greater good of my little world. So, somehow, on my way back, i was upgraded from economy class to business class. From 35G to 01F. Alhamdulillah, Allah always gives help somehow.
But, sitting in a comfortable compartment with great food and services did not ease my pain. My tears was keep on falling for almost 8 hours and i can't control it even though I finally fall asleep for the last two hours because my eyes are tired of crying.
And, yes, last night i made three calls. One to inform that i have arrived safe, Two was to inform to keep the 'half-bake' painting that i made, because clearly i don't want to keep something that made me remembered of the great time that i can't have anymore, an illusion that he made and Three was when i let my heart fell, again when i told i missed the time and all and the response was very disappointing. So, yes, now its got into small pieces again with more bloodshed. They are the heart, trust, confidence and believed.
So early this morning, before going to office, I pray to Allah to have a mercy on me, to forgive me for all thing that i have done, to help me to keep me away from something/someone that are not good for me.
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